Month: February 2018

1st Paragraph, before revision:

“To an Effective Altruist, it may not be as important to examine our past or to show where we are now as it is to simply focus on today’s issues and deal with them, and there is merit to this sentiment. After all, why memorialize an American Civil Rights Activist for helping people in a first-world country live more comfortable lives, when there are families in India dying of starvation because they simply cannot afford to exist? Relatively speaking, the hardships endured by downtrodden people in a country like ours pales in comparison to the struggle to survive that people go through in other countries. That is a fair point, however, it is important to note that hardships are not made obsolete simply because others endure worse. Effective Altruism is a very noble organization, and it should be noted that this is not a critique of their priorities or organization, but rather a criticism on their views about art.”

I took this paragraph, and realized that the last sentence neither supports my argument nor effectively links the following paragraph. If anything, it only existed to clarify that I do not find fault with EAs on the work they do. I realized that it was an unneeded sentence and cut it. I replaced it with a better linking sentence. The new linking sentence also further complicates the EAs’ stance.

1st Paragraph, after revision:

To an Effective Altruist, it may not be as important to examine our past or to show where we are now as it is to simply focus on today’s issues and deal with them, and there is merit to this sentiment. After all, why memorialize an American Civil Rights Activist for helping people in a first-world country live more comfortable lives, when there are families in India dying of starvation because they simply cannot afford to exist? Relatively speaking, the hardships endured by downtrodden people in a country like ours pales in comparison to the struggle to survive that people go through in other countries. That is a fair point, however, it is important to note that hardships are not made obsolete simply because others endure worse. Human beings do have needs beyond the basic necessities like food and water.

2nd Paragraph, before revision:

Kaphar is trying to sell home the point that art is a reflection of society, and by holding a mirror up to ourselves, we can more clearly see what is right and wrong about the times we live in. The way Kaphar sees it, art is there to remind us of what we have done, and what should continue to be made so that we can display how far we’ve come as a society. Kaphar sees that sculptures and paintings represent the ideas people had and highlight their priorities. Art is a form of expression from which we can gather  more intimate information from than by written records and words.

I changed this paragraph by cleaning up one of the middle sentences, which on examination, was somewhat unclear and difficult to follow. I also removed the mention of Kaphar in one sentence, so that it was more clear that I am sharing my own views on this topic, not just explaining Kaphar’s.

After Revision:

Kaphar is trying to sell home the point that art is a reflection of society, and by holding a mirror up to ourselves, we can more clearly see what is right and wrong about the times we live in. Art is there to remind us of what we have done in the past, and can show us how to improve in the present and future. Art serves as a time capsule and a milestone all in one, showing us where we’ve been, and showing how far we’ve come. Kaphar sees that sculptures and paintings represent the ideas people had and highlight their priorities. Art is a form of expression from which we can gather  more intimate information from than by written records and words.

1.  My primary goal is to improve the structure of my essay, and to build more claims off of my own ideas and perspective, rather than off of the ideas of Rhys Southan or Titus Kaphar. Many comments I received from revision suggested putting more of my own thoughts and ideas into the claims of the essay.
2. I plan to distinguish my own ideas from those of Southan and Kaphar. I will reflect on my thoughts on the subject, and find ways to add more of a personal touch to the claims I make. I will re-read my paper, and focus on how my ideas are conveyed. I will also examine how some of my paragraphs are structured, so that I can revise them to more clearly convey my message to the reader.
3. The biggest challenge will be to separate my own view on the subject of art from the views that Kaphar and Southan hold. This is because I hold very similar views to the two of them in regards to the importance of art. While writing the free draft, I felt as if most of the claims I made were of my own perspective, only to be told during peer review that most people felt like I should put more of my own thoughts into the paper. I need to find new angles to present my own claims so that it’s more clear when I share my own thoughts rather than explain the views of others. It was apparently difficult for nearly all of my reviewers to distinguish my views from the views of Southan and Kaphar, and this is where the challenge is for me.
4. If this challenge proves to be too difficult, I can always find a 3rd party for help. Oftentimes, there is a simple solution just outside of my mind’s reach, and simply asking another person how to solve a challenge can reveal possibilities that I never thought of.  By showing a peer or roommate my article and explaining my dilemma, odds are they can provide some good insight into how I might resolve the challenge.

Ideas: “This is an excellent way to link the EAs’ ideas with artists, nice job.” – This comment affirms my peer’s skill at forming a good relationship between different ideas.

Evidence: “Maybe just add a sentence or two to clarify how Haas and Hans did this” – I suggest an example to help support my peer’s claim about Haas and Hans helping people.

Organization: “I’m a little confused by the addition of this in your paper. I don’t really see how it supports your thesis. Maybe consider cutting or revising to more clearly illustrate your point.” – I suggest a cut to help with my peer’s flow.

It was difficult at first to focus on the ideas and themes above things like spelling and grammar. I was not fully comfortable with picking apart major ideas and looking for flaws in other peoples’ work. However, after seeing other people make comments and provide global feedback, it became much easier to voice my own thoughts. As soon as I was comfortable with criticizing my peers, it became much easier to notice flaws as well as strengths in the ideas and structure of each paper. This became quite satisfying as I figured it out.

Complimenting and Critiquing my peers’ text was a good lesson in how to look for what is strong and what is weak, even in my own writing. When i looked at what my peer had written, I was quickly able to see what parts of his first paragraph appealed to me, as well as the parts that could use some improvement. This is useful because writing is a recursive process, and by strengthening the strong parts and editing the weak parts, the overall quality of an essay can be improved. This can be applied not only to peers, but also to myself when I read my own writing.

In Rhys Southan’s essay, he talks about his time spent on a retreat with Effective Altruists. As an artist, his ideas come into conflict with the EA group’s ideals. He learns that Effective Altruists spend their lives making as much money as possible in order to send the maximum possible amount of aid to people who are suffering worldwide. They follow a utilitarian philosophy, In which decision are made in order to minimize suffering as much as possible. Because of this logical approach to morality, EAs agree that it is selfish to put your own desired passion and artistic drive above making lots of money to aid those who are suffering. EAs see art as an unnecessary, unimportant waste of time that need not be pursued. Rhys Southan gives their complete point of view in his essay, but does ultimately reject their notions.

In Titus Kaphar’s TED talk, “can art amend history”, Kaphar discusses a trip to the Natural History Museum in New York. Upon seeing a statue of Theodore Roosevelt riding horseback, flanked by a Native American and a Black person, his son asks “Why do they have to walk and he gets to ride?” Kaphar discusses how art is a reflection of history, and that oftentimes the less fortunate of that time are overlooked or overshadowed. He uses a painting of a colonial family to demonstrate this point. The family has fancy belongings, including a necklace belonging to the mother. He points out that we can find out more about that pendant- the year, manufacturer, make, etc… than we can find out about the Family’s slave’s dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Kaphar wants these works of art to remain, because they show where we have been in history as a society, but he wants to amend them by also displaying landmarks an artwork that shows where we are now, and how far we’ve come.

Kaphar and Southan both place large emphasis on the importance of art, however, Southan sees art as important to the individual, whereas Kaphar sees it as important to society. Southan examines how art can be justified in a world where time could be spent raising funds for the hungry rather than creating art. Southan gives the EA perspective that art is a self- centered topic, but doesn’t really defend his own perspective. Kaphar, however, sees art as important to us as a society, so that we can see people’s intentions, hopes, ideals, etc… through history. Art can be used to give a voice to the voiceless in Kaphar’s eyes, and that is why it is valuable.