1st Paragraph, before revision:

“To an Effective Altruist, it may not be as important to examine our past or to show where we are now as it is to simply focus on today’s issues and deal with them, and there is merit to this sentiment. After all, why memorialize an American Civil Rights Activist for helping people in a first-world country live more comfortable lives, when there are families in India dying of starvation because they simply cannot afford to exist? Relatively speaking, the hardships endured by downtrodden people in a country like ours pales in comparison to the struggle to survive that people go through in other countries. That is a fair point, however, it is important to note that hardships are not made obsolete simply because others endure worse. Effective Altruism is a very noble organization, and it should be noted that this is not a critique of their priorities or organization, but rather a criticism on their views about art.”

I took this paragraph, and realized that the last sentence neither supports my argument nor effectively links the following paragraph. If anything, it only existed to clarify that I do not find fault with EAs on the work they do. I realized that it was an unneeded sentence and cut it. I replaced it with a better linking sentence. The new linking sentence also further complicates the EAs’ stance.

1st Paragraph, after revision:

To an Effective Altruist, it may not be as important to examine our past or to show where we are now as it is to simply focus on today’s issues and deal with them, and there is merit to this sentiment. After all, why memorialize an American Civil Rights Activist for helping people in a first-world country live more comfortable lives, when there are families in India dying of starvation because they simply cannot afford to exist? Relatively speaking, the hardships endured by downtrodden people in a country like ours pales in comparison to the struggle to survive that people go through in other countries. That is a fair point, however, it is important to note that hardships are not made obsolete simply because others endure worse. Human beings do have needs beyond the basic necessities like food and water.

 

 

2nd Paragraph, before revision:

Kaphar is trying to sell home the point that art is a reflection of society, and by holding a mirror up to ourselves, we can more clearly see what is right and wrong about the times we live in. The way Kaphar sees it, art is there to remind us of what we have done, and what should continue to be made so that we can display how far we’ve come as a society. Kaphar sees that sculptures and paintings represent the ideas people had and highlight their priorities. Art is a form of expression from which we can gather  more intimate information from than by written records and words.

I changed this paragraph by cleaning up one of the middle sentences, which on examination, was somewhat unclear and difficult to follow. I also removed the mention of Kaphar in one sentence, so that it was more clear that I am sharing my own views on this topic, not just explaining Kaphar’s.

After Revision:

Kaphar is trying to sell home the point that art is a reflection of society, and by holding a mirror up to ourselves, we can more clearly see what is right and wrong about the times we live in. Art is there to remind us of what we have done in the past, and can show us how to improve in the present and future. Art serves as a time capsule and a milestone all in one, showing us where we’ve been, and showing how far we’ve come. Kaphar sees that sculptures and paintings represent the ideas people had and highlight their priorities. Art is a form of expression from which we can gather  more intimate information from than by written records and words.